My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
