remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
