Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
