my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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