Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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