We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
