Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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