He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
