This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
