First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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