Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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