im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the liver wants what the liver wants
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
