I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
