Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
