Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
