She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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