It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Welp...herpes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
