she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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