I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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