you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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