I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
ttyl tear gas
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
