idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
