You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Found your dick twin last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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