LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
