I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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