Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
