I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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