i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
