Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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