Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
organizing the empties. That sober.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
