Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
