i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
