i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
