a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
