Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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