Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
