You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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