I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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