apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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