My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
