Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
