im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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