By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
