I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
