It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
