I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
