went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
