I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
