just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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