He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
