Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
