You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
