just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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