Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
