you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
