Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
